I feel myself disconnecting from who I am.
Who I am…
Who I…was?
I’m beginning to wonder: what’s wrong with me?
Why am I losing pieces of myself? Why are parts of my thoughts floating out of my consciousness like water flowing downstream at an unimaginably blinding speed?
I see you.
I…saw you?
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m starting to see you or if I’m beginning to see…my own reflection?
Like a kaleidoscope of dizzying colors, my once grey eyes are beginning to see the faint lights of ever-changing fates.
To see the potential of you and me. To feel the winds of unspoken truths caress my face with faulty lies.
I’ve begun to speak in my dreams. I talk of feverish nightmares borne of indifference to what’s going on in our shared world.
I’ve begun to distance myself from who we are meant to be.
I’ve broken our promise.
I’m sorry.
I’m so incredibly sorry.
I feel like I failed who I was meant to be.
And yet…
Yet my future is bright.
What does that even mean?
Why do we cherish those who have “made it”?
One day.
One day, I swear on my very soul.
I will live my truth.
I will change this world, even if for just a flash of a moment.
I will change the collective consciousness of our society for just a second in history.
I will defend the honor of what it means to truly survive and thrive in this world. I will remind myself of why I still breathe.
No doubt the best of humanity dies young, for the old and aging continue to live and support this world full of deception and abuse. I should know. I’m becoming such a thing. Such a creature of the night.
Why haven’t I ended it all for myself?
I don’t feel suicidal. That’s likely the reason why. But still…why am I playing along with this game?
I can’t stop myself either. I’m filled with determination, unlike anything in this world. But…why? Why am I so competitive? Why am I so determined? Even though I don’t wish to be, I just am?
Confusing thoughts spiral in my mind as a wave of over-confidence washes over me…or is it doubt?
But I’m not indecisive, though I wish I was at this moment. I wish I was more confused than I’m playing it out to be.
I wish I could come up with some excuse, some tainted truth. Thoughts intertwined with hallowed emotions. I don’t actually feel anything at this moment. I’ve become numb. And yet, my heart still beats? It beats with life, with the ever-pulsing rhythm of life.
Why has our world succumbed to such devastation and derelict woes?
Why, why, why, why, why, why.
Our voices are drowned out, our opinions are non-existent, and our stories will forever be untold.
The truth will forever glimmer in the moonlit sky like a long-forgotten wish. The fact will flicker as a lone candle does in the dead of night. The reality will be unseen like the silent bird which has no voice to sing. The truth will exist, but only for itself alone. It will never be comforted, never be hugged with delight or cherished for its unique characteristics. It will never be able to shine so brightly that the sun, and the moon, and all the stars are meaningless to the bountiful life on Earth.
The truth will forever remain unclaimed. Forever untouched and despised. For truth brings inconvenience, fosters a sense of hostility between two souls, and reminds all of us of our inevitable death. It reminds us that life is so precious; yet we are wasting it away day-in-and-day-out by working away at a job that holds no meaning to our true community; our true loved ones.
The truth is harsh.
It is cruel and cold.
As the nights of cold sweat drenching your body, it is unforgiving and relentless. Like the days full of addiction and growing numbness to life, rejection of truth brings about the calamity of your very existence. Like the darkening sky full of dread or the mysterious secrets veraciously biting away at your soul as you try and reason and bargain with darker realities.
Truth untouched is like a baby without her mother. It is like an unheard cry in the middle of nowhere. It is like the blood-thirsty eyes of a feral creature ready to devour its prey.
It is like the breaking of glass, as the world comes shattering down upon the weight of our lies.
But…
Once acknowledged and accepted, truth transforms its once ugly disguise into a beautiful soul.
Dancing in the light of day, the truth can again show us the way to salvation and holiness.
It can help us become worthy of being named children of goodness.
Children of the righteous path – even if it isn’t always the easiest one.
Truth…
Truth can set us free again.
Forever in Your Debt,
Leon R.M. Auguste
Leon R.M. Auguste 